Vince had asked me to look for some important papers today so that sent me over to the filing cabinet to do some digging. Our filing cabinet is like the memory chest for this family. There are files for every year of Chad’s school. Chad – Kindergarten; Chad – First Grade; Chad – Second Grade and so on. This is kinda funny . . we have a file for all our cars. When we got married in 1997, I had a 1992 Mazda van. Still have the file on that. When we left Kentucky in 2006, we donated the van to some charity. Then we bought a 2001 Honda CRV. Still have that vehicle. Then we bought a 2007 Toyota Highlander. Still have that vehicle. Neither the Honda or the Toyota have ever been in the shop except both had a timing belt changed and the Honda had some minor work done on the a/c about 11 years ago.
But, the file that had me following Vince around all day reading the contents . . it’s simply labeled “Vince” and it has copies of about a million (it seems) emails that we sent back and forth during the early years. There were two themes throughout all those emails (1) I love you and can’t live without you and (2) You and Chad are going to have to learn to live together or this is never going to work! Obviously, we figured it out and made it work but sometimes, it wasn’t easy. Sometimes it was downright difficult.
Here’s an example of why it was difficult. Addie does not like clutter. I am the clutter queen and Vince is twice as bad as I am. Nicole was telling me that Addie has been after her other grandma to clean up the clutter in her house and in my opinion, her house is virtually clutter-less.
Me: Before Addie comes, we’re going to have to declutter a bit. Addie will stay on us about the clutter.
Vince: I’m not going to be told by a child when to clean up.
Me: Just go along with it, ask her to help you, pickup a few things, throw away a few things and she’ll be happy.
Vince: This is my house and a year old isn’t going to dictate how I live.
Oh, please! Learn to play along just for a few days . . for my sake!
Vince and Chad were able to find more ways to get on each other’s nerves.
Back to the emails – some of them were three pages printed. I don’t even know why I printed so many of them but I’m glad I did. We laughed! He kept saying “Did I really write that?” I told him . . can you imagine when we’re gone and Chad and Nicole go through these and read them. I can see them cracking up and not believing we wrote those things. Nothing bad or R-rated . . just not what they would expect from us I imagine. Heck, reading them 25 years after they were written, I was surprised myself!
Vince said “Burn them so no one ever sees them!” No way!
Alison says
Sorry Judy, I’m with Vince on this one. Your home, your rules. A child shouldn’t decide what happens.
Judy Laquidara says
I see it a little differently. When someone is visiting and you play along, that’s how memories are made. It isn’t like she would come in and demand we do this or that but if she suggested we pick up a bit, we could all go along with her and have some fun together deciding what to keep, what to throw out. I’ve always thought when family was visiting, rules could be bent a little.
She’s never been here without her parents so I suggest we keep things upbeat. I asked him to say something like “I hear you’re really good at organizing. Would you help me clean off this shelf and then we can go for a ride in the woods.” She’d love that! And, knowing her, the next day she’d want to help him clean something else. I say it’s all about making her feel like she’s helping and being an asset.
montanaclarks says
I’m just feeling sorry for Chad and Nicole when you two are gone! 🙂 🙂
Judy Laquidara says
I think they’re actually looking forward to having some alone time.
Anne Greene says
I’m on Vince’s side with this one too!!! Sorry. 🙂
Jeri Niksich says
I can see both sides. And with 3 step kids (thankfully all grown now) I know what you both went through there! But I was always trying to make things work and the kids (and their mother) didn’t make things easy. I often wondered if it was worth it! I’m sure happy to say it was worth it in the end ?
Jeri Niksich says
I can see both sides. And with 3 step kids (thankfully all grown now) I know what you both went through there! But I was always trying to make things work and the kids (and their mother) didn’t make things easy. I often wondered if it was worth it! I’m sure happy to say it was worth it in the end ?
Judy Laquidara says
Oh, yes, it was worth if for me too . . obviously. In those emails back and forth, I don’t think there was a single one where I didn’t say, often more than once . . “I’m caught in the middle between you and Chad!” Vince admits he’s not a people person and he could have done better with Chad; I admit that in the early years Chad did everything he could to create friction because he had a lot more “control” and got his way more when Vince wasn’t in the picture but, like you said, we made it and I’m glad we stuck it out. Chad grew up and became a better person for having Vince in his life.
April Reeves says
Incorporating a step parent is indeed difficult. Sometimes I think some of the friction is more a reflection on my parenting flaws, ie I’m messy so my kids follow suit. I’d prefer he fuss at me instead of them but really he isn’t doing anything but asking them clean up after themselves, stop whining, and have good manners. Simple things that will make them a better person. Just this week, he told me that at their dad’s house, they aren’t messy and have to clean up after themselves. Yes, I get it. I’m the messy one. He tends to “play along” with me more and fuss less at me to keep the peace between us. That grace I give my kids cause I love them and let them get away with a few things here and there is similar to the grace he shows me. Overall it is going great though. My kids said I could marry him (not that is their decision to make) but it is nice they are on board. I figured it will just get better with time.
I also kept printed emails from my ex from back when we dated. I figure my kids will enjoy reading them someday.
Judy Laquidara says
Very well thought out comment. I never thought about it like you’re saying but maybe, subconsciously, when Vince got on Chad,I saw it as a reflection on my lack of parenting skills – maybe if I were a better, more consistent, Chad wouldn’t act that way, and maybe that’s why I always felt in the middle. If your kids think you should marry him, I think that’s a very good sign – they aren’t going to fight you and say “You never should have married him! Chad never said that but sometimes I kinda felt that he thought it when we were in the middle of battle.
It will only get better. Someday your kids will e grown and gone – before you believe it is possible . . and then it will be just you and the life you have created for yourself. I think, from what little I know about you all, you’re on the right path!
Claudia Wade says
I see both sides here, Judy. You want to keep the peace. But maybe Addie can learn a life lesson from this: clutter-free is not inherently ‘better’ than cluttered, it is a choice of how someone wants to live their life. And we respect other people’s life choices and don’t try to change them.
Judy Laquidara says
If she was with me more, I’d definitely feel the need to help her with life lessons but for the first visit ever, I don’t really feel it’s the time for learning life lessons. I think for this trip, having fun, having her feel like she’s contributing and coming up with good ideas is more important. This is a trip when we’ll cook junk food and play in the dirt and take drives through the woods. We’ll eat chocolate for breakfast and do other crazy things. She won’t be demanding nor will she be bossy . . I’m just saying that IF she says “This place is a mess!” then we could say “Yes, we are messy. Why don’t you help us organize!” and let her feel like she’s helping — not that she’s necessarily telling us what to do and when to do it. She’s only 7 and she wants to come here but she is a bit apprehensive about leaving mom and dad Speck and Mr. Kitty and her three chicken pets and coming so far away. I want the visit to be fun and a memorable trip for her.
Theresa Alsup says
I’m with you, Judy. You’re not letting Addie run anything, you’re showing her that you value her opinion and her assistance. My mom always used to say, “Oh, you’re so good at that” for things we were good at rather than the meaningless, “you’re such a good girl.” Having things you are good at that add value to other’s lives, that’s the right way to build ties, contribute and be happy.
Susan Nixon says
It’ll be great for when you write your book. =)
Judy Laquidara says
I don’t see that happening. 🙂