Yesterday Vince was talking to a friend on the phone and maybe it’s a man thing but, from my hearing of the conversation, it sounded like the world was coming to an end. I could hear part of the other side of the conversation and it was kinda the same way. When they hung up, I said to Vince “You two are kinda gloom and doom! Neither of you had anything happy to say!”
Last night while knitting late into the night, I was thinking about it. When my friends and I talk, for the most part, it’s sharing recipes, and laughing and talking about some crazy things we saw on Facebook. Vince calls it my rose colored glasses . . maybe he’s right. But there are times when my friends and I discuss serious situations – one friend has a son with cancer, one friend has a very sick husband, one friend has some serious financial issues. All my friends know I’m doing everything in my power to move back to Missouri. We don’t sugar coat everything but I think we’re able to talk about serious things but still walk away from the conversations feeling good. Maybe it is the Mars vs. Venus thing.
A whole lot of it is how we interpret things. I’ve always said that if two people witnessed anything . . say a car accident . . and the officer is getting their statements. It can be totally amazing to hear the two versions, so much so that you often wonder if you’re talking about the same accident. I learned this working for attorneys and interviewing witnesses. You never want to lead the witness . . you just want to hear what they saw, what they heard, and I often had to ask if we were talking about the same event.
Yesterday Vince went looking for a piece to fix a faucet. The story he was telling his friend was basically that Store #1 had mostly parts from China that didn’t fit and weren’t the quality he needed. Store #2 had the part he thought he needed but they weren’t very helpful. My takeaway from that whole experience was not that Store #1 didn’t have what he needed or that Store #2 wasn’t helpful but what stuck with me was that there was a plumber in Store #2, he heard the conversation, he said “I think I have that same part in my truck, I’ll take it apart and see if it fits your pipe!” We both thought that was so nice. We need a plumber to change toilet seals (yes, Vince can do it but he doesn’t want to do it) and Vince is going to call that plumbing company to come do it.
Basically, Vince’s memory of that incident is two stores that didn’t have what he needed and weren’t helpful. My memory is that a very nice man helped him.
When I had tire issues going to MO on a Sunday, even though I was in a panic having no idea where to get off the interstate in Oklahoma City on a Sunday to get help as quickly as possible, my memory of that incident is that a super nice man at a convenience store walked over when he saw me out looking at my tires and he helped me.
During my deep pondering last night, I came up with this idea and shared it with Vince this morning. What if every evening, we set a time where we discuss three happy things and maybe one not so happy thing? I told him . . we can’t just say three things . . we have to elaborate, like we are telling a friend or writing a blog post about the incident. He said “Ok. Like today I could say I got everything done on Judy’s ‘to do’ list.” I said “Well, I was thinking more like . . I had several things to get done today and I had them all done b7 11:00 a.m. I wanted to make a better vacuum pump for the freeze drying/sealing jars so I got that finished. The grass needed cutting. It’s grown so much since we had a bit of rain a week or so ago and it’s harder to see snakes when the grass gets taller. It was nice being outside and getting things done before it got too hot. Then coming in, showering and having the afternoon to do whatever I wanted to do, with a feeling of accomplishment for having gotten several things done this morning felt good.” That’s one thing. I want us to really delve into the things we do and the things that happen and see that there’s some amount of good in almost every situation. Sometimes we have to look harder to find it but dwelling on the bad and sharing the bad and never mentioning the good just continues a negative attitude towards everything
I don’t mean to put words in his mouth but I do think sometimes we get in the habit of seeing the bad and overlooking the good. In Vince’s career, for so many years, he was the guy to see things that are or could be wrong and get them fixed. Being the safety guy, he was always looking to find a potential problem and get it fixed before it became a problem. I can see where that would make one concentrate more on problems vs. my life where I see happy things, do happy things, and avoid things I don’t enjoy doing and overlook the things that bring me down.
I’ve mentioned this before but when I first saw blogs . . a long time ago . . I read a few that were constantly complaining. Kinda like that girl we all know who lives in Texas who wants to be in Missouri and can’t seem to think of anything else! 🙂 I said “If I ever have a blog, I’m going to make it a happy blog. Even now when I moan and whine about being in Texas or about having zero seconds to myself with this new retirement lifestyle, I try to share the funny side of the story. I never want anyone to walk away from my blog feeling worse than they felt before reading it.
So, Vince and I are going to do our little “happy thoughts exercise” every evening. He said “Why 3 good and 1 bad thought? Why not just 3 good thoughts?” I told him because, together, we need to talk about our bad experience (just 1) per day. Maybe together we can see how something good came from that experience and we can learn to look at some of the bad experiences with a more favorable outlook.
We’ll see where this goes . .
Andrea says
DH is in a profession where he only comes in contact with poor specimens of humanity, and he, too, tends to see the negative before the positive. I really think that like begets like, so if you think negatively you will have overall negative experiences. He tends toward being a private person, so I gave him a journal to write three positive things each evening. He doesn’t do it, but I wonder if your approach of discussing them would be better. Thank you for the idea! He does have some positive moments and thoughts, but more would be better. Good luck to both of us!
Heidi says
I’ve know a few people who watch hours and hours of the news every day. Became the most miserable people to be around. I don’t watch the news but just go to a news website and read a couple articles to stay current or I hear about something on the radio. I don’t need certain images in my head of a bad car crash or war zones. A hundred years ago people weren’t bombarded with all of this, I’ll happily stay in my little bubble with my rose colored glasses on!
treadlemusic says
My approach to what’s happening today, also. We become what we fill our heads with (old adage: “garbage in; garbage out”) and, in today’s world, that could really cause some “brain issues”!!!!
Teri says
Ok…this is an interesting subject…I’m pretty much an up beat person I wake up happy every day and start my day with a good morning in a happy voice….it starts my day off nice….this morning same as usual, but I drug the laundry bag into the laundry room that my husband was going to carry yesterday…so I was grousing to myself about it…because the bag got dust all over the bottom from the hardwood floors…we live in the mountains….everything is always dusty…..so after reading your blog….the good thing I got out of it was my floors got dusted….and It made me giggle…and happy again….your idea that we can look at some of the bad experiences with a more favorable outlook worked for me this morning….
Lisa says
About twenty years ago, I visited my aged parents and was shocked. They were so angry about everything! Every ten minutes, one of them would explode and yell an epithet in frustration about some small thing–she couldn’t find a newspaper she had been saving, he couldn’t read a jar, she couldn’t remember how many pills she had to take, etc. Any time we tried to talk, my mother would talk about some horrible scary thing, or some news article she had read about something bad. The news was always blaring in the background, as they were afraid to miss any sort of disaster that might happen. My eyes were really opened that visit about getting old and having anger issues. When we moved to a retirement community seven years ago, I saw it all over again! I tell you, anger is a drug. People get addicted to it. It makes you feel energetic (doesn’t matter that it’s in a bad way, it’s still energy) and I think old people feed on it, and get angry about every little thing. Yes, we are more experienced and have less patience with outcomes we’ve already seen, but I know for me, I get angry much easier and it’s harder to get rid of that anger than it used to be. And the anger seems to escalate and take over my day no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. Ditto for worry and fear. So I think you’re doing a very wise thing trying to break the cycle before it becomes habit. I also think the news media hooks into that anger to sell you their view (and their commercial messages). So we’ve turned off the news, and are trying to turn back the years doing exactly what you are doing. Positive thinking, positive actions, daily affirmations. I don’t want my home to turn into the explosive negative place my parent’s house turned into!
Ava says
I so agree with you, Judy (and others). I used to think it was just that personality types look at things negative or positive. But today I see it differently. I think we all have the option of how we see things and sometimes it takes effort to move to the positive. There’s a book I highly recommend by a neuroscientist, Dr. Caroline Leaf and she references many other professionals in the field of neuroscience, “Switch On Your Brain”. It’s amazing.
Cynthia Tuttelman says
After a dear friend received a bad cancer diagnosis at a young age, I made a conscious effort to change one simple word in my vocabulary. Instead of saying I ‘have’ to do such and such, now I say I ‘get’ to do such and such.
It’s made a huge difference in how I feel each day…that the simple day to day problems are things many folks wish they could experience, due to health, poverty, what have you. Try it and see how you feel afterwards.
Nelle Coursey says
I like your idea! And yes, you are always upbeat and smiling every time I see you. That also comes across on your blog. Even though I can’t see you, I know some of the things you write are tongue in cheek. I think maybe you can change is mind on this! Maybe then he won’t be called Mr. Grumpy!
dezertsuz says
Judy, I think that’s a great idea! I hope Vince will jump into it whole heartedly. I firmly believe that we choose whether to be happy or miserable, and that it becomes a habit which way we go. We can change, if we choose to. =)
treadlemusic says
“Attitude of gratitude”………but with “reality”, not “Pollyanna” syndrome…….you have a good idea there!!
Joyce says
I’m under quite a bit of stress at work right now. As a coping mechanism, I bought a journal with the thought I could express the good, the bad and the ugly on paper, so I could then just let go of it. I don’t write in it every day, but I can express my frustration with certain things at work or at home and include the good things too, so I remember there are actually good things going on too. I don’t know if it his helping or not, but I keep hoping…
Rebecca in SoCal says
This is probably another reason married men live longer than unmarried. I realize there are negative women, but I am wondering if it’s largely a Mars/Venus thing, too. I know I need to check my husband’s attitude: sometimes he’ll start saying “I bet this guy is going to…” and I have to remind him not to borrow trouble! Or he speculates on the neighbor’s motivation for certain things we find annoying…we can’t know! (Which reminds me of the saying that anger at a person is giving them free rent in YOUR mind!)
Speaking of the tone of blogs: I had notice a decline in postings on one person’s blog. The other day she explained what a really tough time she is going through, and doesn’t want to post negative stuff. (If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.) She got an outpouring of love and support, and it’s good to know the explanation, but also good that she tries to share positivity. You do, too. It’s why I, at least, keep coming back!