It Was a Grotesque Day

If you have a weak stomach, you may want to just skip this post. Please do yourself a favor and do not read this while consuming food!

Background #1: At least 40 years ago, I was in college. I lived at home with my parents and my sister. We had an aquarium full of tiny little fish. My mom never allowed pets (except my parakeets and my sister’s cat) in the house so I have no idea why we had an aquarium or who wanted the aquarium. That’s back in the day when TV sets were huge. Our aquarium sat on top of the TV.

I came home from school one day. No one else was home. I walked into the house and I heard this gurgling sound. I began searching for the sound. It was the aquarium pump. Somehow, the back glass of the aquarium had cracked and all the water had drained out . . through the back of the TV. The fish were flopping around, gasping!  My mom was a teacher. I called the school and said it was an emergency. Get mom! They got mom. I told her . . the aquarium cracked. The fish are dying! She told me to get them out and put them in a bowl of water. NO! I can’t touch them. They’re dying. I can’t remember if mom or dad had to come home from work because as a 20 something . . I could not even walk into the room with the dying fish.

Background #2:  We lived in Kentucky . . this was probably 15 years ago. I was out working in my flower beds one day and I saw something strange behind a shrub. I looked and it was Smokey . . the neighbor’s cat . . who had chosen my flower bed in which to lose his 9th life!  I called the neighbor and said “your cat is dead in my flower bed!” They came and got Smokey but from that day forward, I would never work in that portion of the flower bed.

Here’s where you walk away if you don’t want to read gross stuff.

Gross Thing #1: Yesterday I had to have Speck at the vet at 7:30. My normal routine does not include being up and presentable and in town by 7:30 a.m. It was just after daylight and I stumbled out to let the chickens out . . half asleep as usual . . half dressed as usual and wearing Vince’s Crocs. I got almost to the door I needed to open for the chickens and there was a dove on the ground . . injured and barely alive. Yuck! I jumped back and in a split second . . gasping fish and Smokey came to mind. I stood there thinking . . I cannot walk past this dove but that was the only way to let chickens out!  I knew Vince would not leave work and come help me. I thought about calling my closest neighbor. Then I said to myself . .  you’re a farm girl now . . you can do this. So, I decided to step over the dying dove, let the chickens out but leave them in their little fenced area so they couldn’t get to the dove.

I knew they wouldn’t be happy not having the run of the place so I got a rake, scooped up the dove and put him outside the fence where the chickens couldn’t get to him. I considered putting him in a box and taking him to the vet. I knew if Vince had to pay a vet bill for an injured dove, he was not going to be happy so I left the dove on the ground, out of reach of the chickens. 

Then I rushed in, showered and still got to the vet on time.

Gross Thing #2: My friend was over and we were looking at the fig tree. It has so many of these giant (really Texas sized) black bugs. They look like something between a stink but and a wasp but bigger. She said . . . what are you going to do? I said .. here’s what I do! And I showed her. I take both hands, clap them over the bug and mash a bit. The bug falls to the ground and I step on it.  We were finding more and more and I was doing my little “clap the bug” routine. Killing bunches of them . . everything was going according to my plan . . except for this one bug! I must have hit him just in the right place because he squished. I felt it hit me. I held my breath. Did it go in my mouth? No! Thank goodness. Was it on my glasses? No, thank goodness. Maybe I just thought it hit me!

A few minutes later we were walking around and she said “you have something in your hair” and she reached to get it, thinking it was a bug. No, not a bug . . it was bug guts! She had them on her hand. She was pretty grossed out and wiped her hands on the grass. I said . . I thought that might have happened.

I went in the house and was just fixing to get in the shower and Vince came home and said “Let’s run back to town.” I looked at my hair. There didn’t appear to be much in my hair and it was just on the left side so I grabbed a bar of soap and washed that side under the bathroom sink . . the best I could.

We were almost to town and Vince said “you have something all in your hair!” I looked in the mirror. How had I missed it on the right side? Lots of it. I said “Oh, that’s bug guts!” Vince said “Bug guts? We’re going to town and  you have bug guts in your hair?” Yep . . did you ever think this would happen . . going to town with your wife who has bug guts in her hair? It isn’t often that Vince is at a loss for words but he was truly at a loss for word. 

I came home, took a shower, washed my hair.  

Once again, I went to bed thinking . . if my friends could see me now!  🙂

In case you’re wondering . . the dove died.